Melbourne- The city that shaped me.

This story is dedicated to Melbourne. I always thought moving out from my comfort zone was a scary act. Well, the truth is... It is scary, but sometimes it creates the most beautiful story. Melbourne made me realize that I'm a strong woman and also, showed me how independent I can be. Apart from new friends, I had no one in that city to rely on. I had to adjust with the new environment, cope with studies and deal with depression. There were times I felt life was unfair, and I pitied myself. Self-pity isn't something good. Thus, I woke up and decided to accept the reality. I accepted that I'm left alone miles away from loved ones. I accepted that only I can cure my depression. I accepted that I can only rely on myself during the darkest times. Along the new journey, I met wonderful people. They made me see how beautiful life can be. For my own goodness, I avoided negativity and stayed away from people who weren't helping me. Studying in one of the world's top universities made me feel blessed. At Monash uni, lecturers saw my capability, and their encouraging words became my motivation. Isn't it amazing to know that you are more worthy and precious when there were people who thought you were not capable of anything? It is truly amazing. Slowly, I started realizing that moving to a new place isn't a bad idea or isn't as scary as it seems to be. It can give you a life-changing experience and turn you into a better person. Dear Melbourne, you will always stay in my heart and will be one of the reasons for my growth in life. You showed me 'the real me'. You showed me that my decisions aren't that bad after all. You showed me that I should do what's best for myself. Now, I guess that's why I would wanna fly higher and travel more. And, I'm ready for the next journey.

Dear readers, 

Never be afraid to fly high. You may fall but you will get up and fly higher.

Have a lovely evening :)

Being sick and feeling depressed?

I've heard about being sick and feeling depressed. But only lately, I started realising how it feels. Since I was about 18, I began complaining about having pain on my left shoulder. Complains went on for years. No one could tell what was wrong with me and why was I having that pain. Then, in 2011, I went for my first MRI and CT-Scan. That's when I got to know that I have scoliosis. But usually scoilosis wouldn't cause much pain. Unfortunately I was suffering with severe shoulder pain. The doctor said that I'm too young to have this condition, and only injection or surgery could correct it. However, it is too risky as I'm young. So, I started depending on painkillers and inflammatory ointment as my shoulder gets swollen. After I left to Melbourne, my pain seemed to get worse, especially during winter. Last year, I consulted three doctors for the pain and took another MRI. This time the MRI results answered the cause of my pain and swelling. But until now, I haven't got a proper solution for it. At times, I feel like giving up. I hardly sleep well because of the pain. I end up taking naps and feeling weak. Every doctor comes up with something new and says one thing until I started googling for solutions. The pain does cause depression. I feel moody, easily irritated. I only feel comfortable only with some people. It is true, physical pain and illness could lead to depression. Till we get a good solution, we can hardly feel better. Somehow we gotta be strong and keep finding for a solution.

So, all I could say is believe in yourself, and take control of your pain and keep fighting. Don't expect anyone to understand what you are going through because it would only lead to disappointment at times.

Good night dear readers :)

The month of love.

February... The month of love... I thought why not celebrate love.... Love can be anything and everything... Mother- son love, Father-daughter love, siblings love, couple love, coffee love, dessert love... Everyone is a lover in some way. The beginning of the year wasn't a great start for me. I was being too emotional, and felt my freedom was taken away. But now thinking about it, I'm actually a freedom lover. New places, new environment kinda brings out the excitement in me. When you begin to discover what you love, life becomes more exciting. When I was upset, all I did was going through my sweet and loved moments. It was a reminder that I'm not a weak person. All we gotta do is find love in every small things that we see or do. It can be a cup of hot vanilla latte, or a picture, or being around the people you love. But we have to understand when we are too caught up with our issues, we won't have the time to think about that love. But somehow we have to think about it, so that we won't lose ourselves to those issues and become weak. My love for travelling has helped me rediscover myself once again. My love for him has helped me realise that love can be tough but beautiful. My love for writing has helped me express my thoughts and feelings. My love for music and arts has helped me calm myself down. My love for coffee has helped me think straight during tough times. My love for my family has helped me achieve the hardest things in life. My love for God and my guru has helped me love myself and others. Love can change a person. Love can change negative thoughts into positive ones. Love makes you a better person. Tough times and issues can't be avoided, but love will be there to give a hand. Now, I'm in love with this very moment where I'm sitting in a classic Indonesian coffee shop and expressing myself through my blog. Embrace every moment of love, and let's welcome the month of love :)

Have an awesome week ahead dear readers :)

The deep dark hole, known as Depression

What can be more torturous that being bugged by your inner voice? It will call you names, it will start destroying your self-esteem. It takes time to realise that depression is a battle. You can win that battle, but that battle can happen again and again. When it happens again, you know exactly what's wrong with you but you are just too tired to fight again. In other people's eyes, they would see us as rude people, arrogant, and good for nothing. Unfortunately, only we know the truth. How much we are suffering and fighting with our own emotions. Slowly, we start distancing ourselves from everyone, we rather be alone in our own space, we feel tired and weak. Also, we lose interest in everything, eating, sleeping becomes a compulsory task. Not that we don't try to distract ourselves, we are just tired to fight it. We try to share with others, but not everyone would understand depression. Sometimes all we want is to go far away. The inner voice would say that 'you are just a burden, no one wants you around'. That's the time you would start believing that inner voice, and you will start seeing yourself as a burden. It is really hurtful when the people around you are happy, and you are just wearing a smiling mask and lying to them that 'yes, I'm happy too'. It's always easy to express yourself through writing than sitting and explaining what's wrong with you. Writing, reading, listening to music, and praying somehow helps to calm you down. Day by day, you will learn that there's no point of expecting others to understand this battle and how you are fighting with it. People are more concerned about other important things and busy with their daily routine. As a depression fighter, you shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to face it again. No matter what, you have to face it by yourself and fight it all over again.

A depression fighter don't need sympathy, all he/she needs is love and care.


Have a good week ahead readers :)

Summary of my 2015.

2015... A life-changing year for me. I chose to change myself. I chose to express my thoughts and feelings through stories.I discovered the 'real' me. I have a mind that works non-stop everyday. Yes, even in my sleep. I tend to over think because of that. But through such thinking, I discovered many things about myself. I realized that I can achieve and handle life on my own. I saw how strong I can be. I became attached to myself. Melbourne was an amazing teacher for me. I learnt to survive on my own without depending on anyone. I enjoyed my freedom and turned my loneliness into something positive. Now I'm back to Malaysia, and I'm feeling empty. I felt happier when I was alone. But now I have to answer everyone, consider everyone's opinion. I'm afraid that I will lose my stand and the decision-making rights. The only thought that constantly runs in my head is 'there goes my freedom'. No more 'me' time. No more sitting in cafes, having coffee and reading my book. But again, I shouldn't let those thoughts conquer my mind. So, after New Year, I'm gonna find ways to have a life which I had back in Melbourne this year. I'm never a person who will have new year resolutions. If I wanna achieve something, I will somehow achieve it. Thus, this new year, I would like to begin my life journey in a different place. I gotta face the reality. I'm no longer a student with a fun part-time job.  Now, I'm woman with good education background and who wants to build a strong career path. It's gonna be a rough and tough journey. I've gone through a lot without much support. This is just another phase of my life. For time being, I can only have my space by sleeping, exercising, and driving. And, I have to be strong enough and not give up!

Think back about this year, keep the good memories and lessons with you, throw away the negative ones. Start a fresh year by not repeating the things that will only end up hurting yourself. Always appreciate the ones who love you and put more effort in maintaining a good relationship. These days appreciation and efforts are hard to find in any relationship. Don't let go the one who was really there for you all the time. Because I learnt that people can be  nice to you when they need something. It is rare to see someone who sticks around without expecting anything in-return. So, if you have anyone like that, keep them close.

Keep loving, sharing and giving. Also, the most important one... Always listen! Listening means a lot. Even if you can't help much, just listen. I kept a lot in me because I had no one to listen to me. So, now I have become a listener. Be one and help those who need it.

Have a beautiful and blessed year ahead :) May 2016 be a better year!

Love is like a classic poem.

I can be categorized as one hopelessly romantic person. I love Nicholas Sparks's stories and always admired 'love'. I would say that love played a major role in shaping my personality and character. Along the way, I've learnt a lot through love. Loving a person requires lots of patience, trust, confidence, and time. Once one of it is gone, that begins to slowly ruin the love and bond between two people. The person I once loved started putting me down to make himself look good, and I tolerated so much because I never wanted to hurt him. Even though I knew that I deserve better, I still tolerated and never wanted to break the relationship. But the moment I woke up and realized, everything became more clearer to me. Always appreciate yourself, and remember that you don't have to put up with anything and everything. Also, never ever love someone because you feel lonely. Not all breakups are bad, some happens for your own goodness. During such hard time, start focusing on yourself, and start loving bits and pieces of yourself. That is what I did. I got myself a part-time job, went out alone and with friends, studied harder, and joined the gym. Slowly, I saw the 'real' me. Heartbreaks are never easy, it is painful and torturous. But time will definitely heal it. Rebounds are not one of the ways to heal a broken heart. You always deserve to be with someone who is gonna love every small thing about you, and you can comfortably be stupid with that person. Past relationships would lead to insecurity and doubts about yourself and your lover. Do open up about it to the other person, and clear it. Such insecurities are not bad, but never let it affect your current relationship. To maintain a beautiful and stable relationship, both side has to equally put effort into working things out. I'm not simply listing all these, but I experienced it and learnt that love must be equal and fair. Bad relationships could also cause depression and anxiety attacks. If the person you love makes you feel depressed, it is time to reconsider that relationship. Also, depression can be hard to understand. So never expect your loved ones to understand it easily. They might not know what's exactly going on with you. So, it is the best to talk to them and tell them what help you need from them. Once I was expecting him to understand my mood swings and depression, but it failed terribly. So nowadays, if I can't handle it by myself, I would just open up about it. Love is never bad or wrong. But often we fall for the wrong person and regret later on. Instead of regretting all the time, use that to fix yourself and love yourself. Most of all, love yourself. Then you would know how to love others and appreciate their love.

Love is like a beautiful and meaningful classic poem, always admire it, treasure it and never try to change it.

In this joyful season, do love more :)

Be Yourself :)

Finally, I have the time to write my story! Here it goes... I was a happy-go-lucky kid. Quite fun type. I enjoyed dancing and singing. I loved entertaining the crowd when we had house parties. But as I grew, I became more quiet, preferred to stay in my own comfort zone with few of my selected loved ones. I gradually stopped being myself. Until now, I can't figure out why I stopped being myself. Was it because of depression? Or was I worried about what others were talking about me? People always say that kids are naive, and pure. Well, I think it is because they are being themselves. They do what they like without hurting anyone else. But as we grow up, we start being someone else to please others. We start faking everything, from a smile to the way we live. I always pleased others without thinking because I never wanted to hurt them. I do get annoyed and frustrated. At the same time, I can't go on without helping them. Sometimes, it's not worth-it, but yet we do it. The more I stopped being myself, the more I felt empty, anxious, lost and depressed. I often felt that I was good for nothing, and there was no point of living this life. It definitely took me years to realize that I have a beautiful life, and I should start being myself in order to live my life. Now, slowly I do whatever I like, I try to smile a lot. I talk to strangers, smile at them, spend more time understanding myself. Whenever I accomplish something, I give myself a small treat. It is to show that I love being myself and I respect that. I won't say that I don't get anxious or depressed at all. I still do. Whenever I fall into that dark hole, I will remind myself to fight back and find a way to get out of it. It is not easy, but if you love yourself, then you have to do it. Until now, I'm a Disney kid. Never stopped being one. And, that's me. There are people who label me as a 'grown kid'. I used to be sad. But not anymore. I just feel sad for them as they are not being themselves. Remember, don't lose yourself for others. It is good to change, but never forget to be yourself. Being yourself will boost your self-esteem, and strength. Be yourself, and you will know how beautiful you can be :)

Have a lovely night! And a great week readers :D